10 Common Narcissistic Manipulations (part 1)
So, how does a pathological narcissist act, specifically? Although there are different subcategories of narcissism, these toxic people share several behaviors in common. In general, they seek to exploit, demean, and hurt intimate partners, family members, and friends. They use a variety of manipulative techniques to distort the reality of their victims and do it excessively while they try to avoid being accountable for their actions. The following is a list of specific techniques they can use to distort your reality:
1. Gaslighting: Gaslighting is an insidious technique designed to make you feel as though you’re crazy. Basically, the narcissist will insist that you imagined something that you claim really did happen. This is one of the main ways toxic people work to distort your reality. It can quietly eat away at your trust in your judgment. It can eventually cause you to stop calling out abuse and mistreatment because you question if you’re just imagining the situation. It takes someone strongly grounded in their own reality to resist this technique. It’s particularly harmful because unless you have someone who can help you see the truth, you really do feel like you’re losing it.
2. Projection: Toxic people always project their shortcomings onto the people around them. They will do anything to avoid being held accountable. It’s a defense mechanism they use to avoid ownership. Although most people project to some extent, narcissist is psychologically abusive in the manner of their projection. They are frequently painful and cruel in the manner they do this. They actively try to make their loved ones feel ashamed for something that is not even their own shortcoming. It’s a way they can shift the blame from themselves to someone else. It has the effect of distorting reality and creating self-doubt in their victims.
3. Nonsensical conversations: Toxic people, like malignant narcissists, will often use a variety of techniques over the course of a conversation to distort reality. It’s almost impossible to have a thoughtful discussion with a narcissist. Instead, it becomes a nonsensical word salad with circular arguments, projection, and gaslighting all rolled into one. It’s a tactic designed to cause frustration and confusion, and most of all, distract you from the main problem about which you were talking. They also want to make you feel guilty for even having your own thoughts and opinions, especially if they differ from their own. For you, the result is that you start to wonder how the argument began in the first place. The truth is it began because your disagreement threatened their sense of omniscience and superiority. These toxic people thrive on drama, so anything you have to say in the argument just becomes more fuel for their craziness.
4. Blanket statements: Many narcissists are intellectually lazy, relying instead on their ability to distort reality rather than actually considering your side of the argument. For that reason, they have a tendency to generalize anything and everything you say. They don’t take into account the nuances of your arguments; they simply dismiss your perspective altogether. They also use blanket generalizations to invalidate experiences that don’t fit with their beliefs. For them, it helps maintain the status quo. For example, if you were to say that a narcissist’s behavior is unacceptable, they might reply that you’re always too sensitive. Although you might be too sensitive sometimes, it can also be true that your narcissistic abuser is insensitive and cruel most of the time. They’re simply generalizing a partial truth to the extent that it undermines your argument.
5. Absurdly misrepresenting your thoughts: Toxic people do what they can to make their loved ones appear absurd or even malicious. Toward that end, they often translate your different opinions, legitimate emotions, and lived experiences into character flaws or even evidence of your irrational nature. If you express your feelings, you might hear your narcissistic abuser respond with something like, “Oh, now you’re perfect, huh?” They use this kind of sentiment to invalidate your right to have your own thoughts and emotions, and they also want to cause you to feel guilty if you attempt to establish boundaries. They will also jump to conclusions about what you’re thinking or feeling when they get triggered by what you’re saying. They will put words in your mouth and depict you as being outlandish or having nefarious intentions. This is another form of cognitive distortion designed to keep you off guard. Their ultimate goal is to convince you that you should be ashamed if you try to give them realistic feedback.
I know what it’s like to live with a narcissist because I was married to him. I thought he was the perfect man for me, but when it was too late, I found out he was toxic. My experience with him made me want to reach out to others who may be suffering as much as I am. I want to help you with what I have learned, especially if you have decided to stay with your narcissist. I have 5 books on this, and I also do counseling to help build healthy relationships.
Photo credit: https://www.domesticshelters.org
