How is Love Measured?

It’s hard to get inside someone’s heart and know if they are really feeling love, but we can examine what love looks like. We can examine what makes people feel like they are loved. Here are some common features that make healthy people feel as if someone loves them ( referring to the book «The 5 Love Languages» C. Chapman») :

• Words of affirmation – when you affirm that someone is kind, loving, intelligent, warm, giving, and beautiful, these are words of affirmation, and when someone tells you those kinds of things, you tend to believe they love you. This also involves giving you emotional and moral support as you face life’s challenges and expressing their feelings for you – actually saying, “I love you;”
• Quality time – quality time means spending time getting to know and understand someone in your life, and when someone takes that time, you tend to feel loved. This also involves showing interest in your affairs. Someone who spends quality time with you wants to know what’s going on in your life;
• Gift-giving – when someone feels strongly enough about you to give you the things you need or want, it tells you they love you;
• Acts of service – when someone does things for you that you might have difficulty doing for yourself, it’s an act of love. It might be something as simple as fixing your car for you or running an errand when you don’t have time, but these acts signal that they love you;
• Physical touch – when someone wants to touch you, you feel desired, and when those physical touches are tender, you feel loved.
• Tolerates flaws and demands – when someone is willing to put up with your idiosyncrasies, you typically feel loved and accepted.

These are how healthy people measure love, but it’s different for the narcissist. For the narcissist, love is measured with admiration, adoration, and compliance. They need you to prop them up, and if you do so, they feel loved. The problem is in how they feel love – it is that feeling of being on top of the world, when you’re being recognized for being so great. They don’t necessarily want to have to do what it takes to earn that recognition; they just want to receive it because it bolsters their fragile self-esteem. For the narcissist, love is sacrificial adoration – that is, you would sacrifice yourself in adoration of them, and you would do so without having any kind of real intimacy with them.

Now you know how love is measured. This article is from my book “What Narcissists Don’t Want You To Know”, if you liked this article, I recommend that you read this book. Also, if you need help after a narcissistic abuse, I hold introductory meetings, here you can choose a convenient day and time.

Photocredit: cerebral