Red flags in relationships 🚩

I have had a relationship with a narcissist, and I want to share with you the red flags you need to know.

The very behavioral and physical traits that cause the narcissist to seem so great at first are what are so detrimental to the relationship in the long-run. In fact, one study (Back et al., 2010) found that narcissists produce physical, nonverbal, and verbal cues that indicate attractiveness, competence, interpersonal warmth, and humor to the individual with whom they’re interacting. That causes the person to reinforce the narcissist’s perception of themselves by complimenting them, and the admiration supports their viewpoint that they are superior. However, because the narcissist produces these cues out of their sense of entitlement and desire to manipulate others, they can’t sustain those initial positive behaviors, and your favorable first impression of them won’t last. As the relationship goes on, the narcissist begins to betray their true nature. That includes a number of red flags that you would start to notice after a short time:

1. A withdrawal of interest in you;
2. Interrupting when you’re talking and changing the subject;
3. Looking around rather than looking at you;
4. Ignoring or challenging your opinions, even those with which they previously agreed;
5. Criticizing you for small things;
6. Rejecting your suggestions;
7. Keeping the conversation focused on them;
8. Spending less time with you;
9. Blaming you for anything and everything they perceive as wrong;
10. Showing interest in or complimenting someone else.

These red flags can certainly cause you to become disquieted, but as in my situation, I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was bothering me about him. I knew I didn’t like it when he became so stressed and I had to try to calm him down, but I accepted his excuses or made excuses for him because he seemed so perfect otherwise. But that’s part of the pattern too. You might experience any or all of the following behaviors and feelings yourself when the narcissist’s true nature becomes more apparent:

1. Feeling apprehensive about the relationship;
2. Making excuses for their behavior;
3. Feeling inadequate and that you’re unable to please the person;
4. Redoubling your efforts to attract them, but it doesn’t work;
5. Trying to empathize with the person to understand their needs better;
6. Violating your own values to keep their attention and interest;

7. Confronting them about the changes in their behavior, which usually results in making you feel like you’re the one who’s got a problem.

Despite your best efforts, nothing seems to work, and that just results in more frustration. The situation leaves you with few choices, and the worst part is, you often start to blame yourself for their problems. It doesn’t help to know that they had a narcissistic mother, or that they’ve been in other relationships that didn’t last, or even knowing that they have a mental disorder – none of that really helps because you just become devastated that the person you thought was “the one” isn’t at all what they first appeared to be. Instead, they’re like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, and as much as you don’t want to believe that’s true, the truth will come out.

What were the red flags for you in a relationship with a narcissist?

More about my personal experience in a relationship with a narcissist in my book «My Toxic Husband»