Signs You Married a Narcissist

It’s not at all uncommon for people who have married a narcissist to say there was something magical when they first met. They often describe it as an irresistible pull toward someone who seems to match all of their needs and wants perfectly. It’s equally as common for them to discuss how the fairy tale came to an abrupt end after they walked down the aisle. And, like I did, they often blame themselves for the problems that seem to erupt in their marriage overnight. Of course, it doesn’t help that their narcissistic partner is telling them it’s their fault. In fact, that’s one of the signs you are in love with a narcissist. Let’s take a look.

  • Blaming, Projecting, and Passing Out Free Guilt Trips: Narcissists project their negative traits onto their spouses. It’s not uncommon for them to tell you that you’re needy, never satisfied, ungrateful, unapologetic, selfish, and have unreasonable expectations. These are all the same characteristics a narcissist has, but they project them onto you, so they don’t have to deal with reality. They are also happy to blame you for any problem that arises. They might even belittle you in front of others and have a tendency to take minor events and blow them up into major arguments. They like to make themselves look superior by trying to make you look stupid or unreasonable.
  • Unreasonable Expectations: Your narcissistic spouse expects you to meet their needs at all times. You’re expected to anticipate how, when, what, and where the narcissist needs your admiration and adoration. It’s also a one-way street because they take but never give it back in return. Moreover, no matter how much you give, it’s never enough. You simply will be unable to satisfy their needs.
  • Jealousy: The jealousy of a narcissist goes beyond the attraction of another person. They can be jealous of anyone or anything that captures your attention. That includes children, pets, friends, family, and work. They’ll often go out of their way to demand your attention while you’re on the phone, working on a project, talking to someone else, or engaging in an activity that requires your attention. Furthermore, their jealousy can trigger intense rage and even violence, something for which you will be blamed in the end.
  • Abusive Cycle: Narcissists often provoke their spouse by being extremely cruel and/or abusive during an argument. They are setting the stage for their spouse to abandon them, and when that happens, they can then claim they were the victim of your abandonment. If you don’t leave, they will gain more ammunition to use against you by provoking a response from you with their cruelty. They also don’t take any responsibility for being so provocative. They see it all as your fault.
  • Abusive Behavior: Narcissists punish their spouses by abusing or neglecting them. This can take the form of physical, emotional, financial, sexual, spiritual, verbal, or mental abuse. They might hit their spouse, send them on a guilt trip, withhold money, coerce sexual favors, use God to justify their behavior, intimidate, or gaslight them. They could also withhold love, attention, support, and communication as a form of mental and emotional abuse. They use various forms of manipulation in the sad attempt to get their needs met, needs that will never be satisfied. For a narcissist, there’s nothing unconditional about their love. It is definitely performance driven.
  • Threatening Behavior: Another tool in the narcissist’s toolbox is to threaten abandonment, exposure, or rejection if their spouse doesn’t comply with what they want them to do. The narcissist is an expert at identifying areas of insecurity in their spouse and using these to pressure them into doing what they want. In fact, in most cases, the narcissist identified this in their spouse before they proposed marriage. They are using their spouse’s fears to keep them in the relationship longer. In addition, when a narcissist feels entitled to something, they use this tactic to get it, like a small child throwing a temper tantrum.
  • False Remorse: Genuine remorse is something that takes time to implement before trust is reestablished. The narcissist, however, uses remorse to attempt to reestablish trust immediately. This is an unrealistic expectation. Additionally, if that doesn’t happen and their spouse mentions the past behavior, the narcissist will become enraged. They will claim their spouse is unforgiving and use their lack of trust to justify repeating the offensive behavior.

These are all warning signs that may indicate that you are married to a narcissist. I started noticing these signs in my past relationships. He definitely tended to blame me for everything, had unrealistic expectations, got jealous if he thought I was taking attention away from him, and began to exhibit emotionally abusive behavior. And it’s not over yet. I was going to see how quickly the honeymoon would end. He was just a narcissistic wolf in sheep’s clothing and he was about to reveal his true nature.

If you also encountered a narcissist, then I recommend that you read the book «My Toxic Husband» and if you can’t cope on your own, I invite you to my consultation-acquaintance at the price of a cup of coffee!

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Certified Psychotherapist, Relationship coach and Author. Ukrainian

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Elena Miro

Certified Psychotherapist, Relationship coach and Author. Ukrainian