Strategies for Avoiding Codependency

Your codependency is a long-term pattern in your life, and that means it will take some time and a little practice to develop new, healthier strategies for relating to the people in your life. You’ll want to educate yourself about codependency; there are many books on the subject. You’ll need to be patient with yourself as you begin making those changes, but you can start by asking yourself who you are choosing in the present moment. Are you choosing yourself or someone else? If you’re choosing someone else, why are you not choosing yourself? Why are you focusing on their needs as opposed to your own? You’ll want to consider that carefully, and then you’ll also want to implement the following strategies for avoiding codependency.

Here are some helpful steps to change any patterns you may have that are associated with codependency.

• Prioritize self-care.

You’ll have to learn to stop denying your own needs or placing them behind the people you love. Self-care is vital for your emotional and physical health. You can’t truly take care of anyone else in your life until you start taking care of yourself. Narcissists will take everything you give them, and they won’t prioritize you, so you have to do that for yourself. It’s easy to fall into sacrificing your needs for someone you love, but you must prioritize yourself, particularly when you’re dealing with a narcissist.

Self-care includes things like getting enough sleep, exercising, getting the right amount of alone time, reflecting on your feelings and emotions, practicing your spiritual rituals, having fun with friends, engaging in hobbies you like, and doing things that make you feel satisfied and relaxed.

If you don’t take care of yourself, you’re likely to become irritable, resentful, impatient, and even physically ill. You’ll also feel more disconnected from yourself, which can lead to serious problems with depression and anxiety.

In order to take proper care of yourself, you need to balance meeting your needs with helping others meet theirs. You should never sacrifice your own wellbeing in favor of helping someone else, and you need to take responsibility for identifying and communicating your feelings, desires, and needs, even if that means it will create tension with the people you love.

Exercise #1: Identify and Schedule Time for Self-Care Practices

As part of prioritizing self-care, let’s try this exercise. First, get yourself a journal so you can document your experiences and feelings as we go through the exercises in this book. For this exercise, list five self-care practices that you would like to do. There are no wrong answers here, and these can be anything that make you feel relaxed, happy, and satisfied. The only rule is that it can’t involve doing something for someone else. It has to be something you do for you. There were a few examples given above, but let’s look at some specific ideas:

• Take a walk in nature;
• Get a massage;
• Go out to your favorite restaurant;
• Read a book;
• Exercise;
• Go to church;
• Meditate;
• Practice yoga;
• Paint;
• Do a crossword puzzle;
• Have lunch with your best friend.

Now, you want to make a plan to implement at least one of these things each week. It doesn’t have to take a lot of your time, but find an hour where you can go for a walk or read your favorite book, and schedule in your calendar. Then, treat that appointment like it was a job interview – you can’t miss it! It’s every bit as important as anything else you do in your life. Each time after you’ve engaged in your self-care practice, take a moment to jot down a few notes about how you feel after having taken care of yourself.

• Let your loved ones make their own choices.

The truth is that you can’t fix anyone else; they have to be the ones who see a problem and want to make changes in their own lives. You need to give up compulsively trying to fix the narcissist in your life, and you also need to let go of what you cannot control. You don’t control their behavior and choices; you can’t make them seek help for their narcissism, no matter how much you want them to; and you can’t force your solutions on them, even if you’re certain they will work. The only thing you control is your own actions, so let the people in your life make their own choices and deal with the consequences of their actions.

Letting go of control is one of the hardest things to do because you’re certain you can help. The truth is that you can’t help anyone until they are ready to make changes, and narcissists usually don’t want to change. You must accept them for how they are and live as though they will never change. Instead, focus on taking care of yourself, and it’s also okay to continue loving someone who is suffering, as long as you don’t allow them to abuse you.

Exercise #2: Identify Your Codependent Patterns

In this exercise, you’re going to take a look at your codependent patterns. As you’ve seen from the examples above, sometimes those patterns can be very subtle. To identify where you tend to engage in codependency, carry your journal or notebook around with you for a week. Be mindful of the activities you’re engaging in and why. Each time you’re doing something for someone else, take a moment to write it in your journal, and then, when you have some time, reflect on the reasons why you were doing that activity.

Write down the reasons for your behavior and any outcomes you hoped would result from those actions. Were you trying to change someone’s behavior? Were you trying to cover up for someone? Were you trying to avoid them becoming angry with you? Were you trying to prevent them from having to face the consequences of their behavior?

Additionally, examine any ways in which your behavior might enable the person you were trying to help. For example, if you gave your alcoholic spouse a ride so they wouldn’t get a DUI, that helps them continue drinking. Are your behaviors helping an abusive person in your life continue their negative behaviors? If so, how?

• Value yourself.

Don’t look to other people for approval; instead, look inside your own heart and live in accordance with your own values. This will help you understand that you have value as a person. You don’t need someone else’s approval or validation. To seek that from external sources gives your power away because you’re letting somebody else determine your worth. What you want to do is look inside, notice your strengths, forgive your weaknesses, and understand that love is not something you should have to earn; you are inherently worthy.

Exercise #3: Identify What You Value

To help you learn to value yourself, you have to know what it is that you value. To identify what you value, write down your thoughts in your journal in response to the following prompts:

• The three times in my life when I was most happy are the following (describe those three times);
• I was so happy in each situation because (describe the factors that made you happy);
• The three times in my life when I was the most proud of myself are (describe those three times);
• I was proud of myself because (describe the factors that made you feel proud);
• The three times in my life that I felt the most satisfied and fulfilled are (describe three times);
• The reasons I felt so satisfied and fulfilled were (describe the factors that made you feel that way).

Based on your experiences related to happiness, pride, and fulfillment, identify the core values that related to you having felt the way you did. For example, you might have been proud of yourself because you were honest when it was difficult to be so, or you might have felt satisfied or fulfilled because you had been generous to other people. You might have felt happy because you were being creative. Identify at least five words related to what made you feel happy, proud, and fulfilled. These are among your core values.

Once you have identified your core values, list a few other times when you believed you lived up to those in an exemplary way. Now, repeat the following affirmations three times each and do that three times a day, every day:

• I value (insert one of the words you identified above), and I act in accordance with that value.
• I feel fulfilled when I am being (insert one of the words you identified above), and I am striving to live fulfilled.
• I feel proud when I am (insert one of the words you identified above), and I am living a life for which I can be proud.
• I feel happy when I am (insert one of the words you identified above), and I am living a happy life.

Changing your codependent habits can be challenging, but learning to value yourself and understand what you value, letting go of the perception that you have control over others, and prioritizing self-care are the first steps toward making real changes. We’ll build upon these exercises in the coming chapters to help you build the life you always dreamed you could have. In the next chapter, we’ll look at acceptance and how that applies to your relationship with a narcissist.

This is part of my book «What Narcissists Never Tell You». There is more information about codependent relationship. As a certified psychotherapist, I’ll be glad to help you with your relationship. The short introductory meeting with me you can book here.

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