10 Common Narcissistic Manipulations (part 2)
In this post, we continue to talk about narcissist manipulation. If you have not seen the first part, be sure to go to the profile and read to recognize the narcissist in time.
6. Nitpicking and moving the goal: Toxic narcissists nitpick and scapegoat you every chance they get. They don’t really want to help you, so they’re not offering constructive criticism. Instead, they’re trying to pull you down. They combine this technique with moving the goal as a means of justifying their perpetual dissatisfaction with you. If you showed them proof of what you’re saying or met their demands, they set up more expectations or demand more proof. If you even come close to meeting their demands, the goal will change. By changing and raising the expectations consistently, they can instill a sense of unworthiness in their victims. It can also make you hyper-focused on trying to please the narcissist, which is exactly what they want you to do: question yourself to the point of obsession. In the end, it’s all for naught, because even if you do bend over backwards to try to please them, it won’t change the horrific way they treat you.
7. Changing the subject: This is another favored tactic for the narcissist. They will change the subject, so they can’t be held accountable for any problem. If you’re talking about something they did today, they will bring up something you did two years ago as a diversion. They often start with, “What about when you…” This can have the effect of derailing the conversation, and of course, if they’re successful in that, the issue won’t be resolved, and they cannot be held accountable for their actions.
8. Covert and overt threats: If you challenge a narcissist’s sense of entitlement, the false sense of superiority, or grandiose sense of self in any way, they will often respond with overt or covert threats. They will try to make you fearful of the consequences for disagreeing with their demands. Any challenge to their perceived sense of superiority will result in an ultimatum: “Do this or I’ll do that.” It doesn’t really matter what the “that” is – whether it’s leaving you or a physical threat, these threats are a huge red flag that someone feels entitled to where they don’t believe they should have to compromise. You should take threats very seriously by documenting them, particularly if they’re threats of physical violence, and you should also follow up by reporting such threats, so there is a record of the incident.
9. Name-calling: This is another way that narcissists and other toxic people can distract from the issue at hand. They like to strike out preemptively at anything they perceive as threatening to their sense of superiority and entitlement. They are the only ones in the conversation who can be right, and someone who challenges them may fall victim to their narcissistic rage. In this state, they often resort to name-calling because they can’t come up with a better way to manipulate your opinions and manage your emotions. It’s a quick and easy way to degrade you and invalidate your right to have your own thoughts and emotions. No matter how well-researched or informed your opinion is, the name-calling tactic quickly casts it as sill or idiotic. Narcissist uses this tactic because they can’t come up with a convincing rebuttal to your argument, so they have to target you personally to undermine your credibility.
10. Destructive conditioning: This is where a toxic person conditions you to associate your strengths, talents, and even your happy memories with abuse. They use covert and overt insults about the very qualities they once admired in you to demean you and sabotage your goals. They also use this tactic to ruin your celebrations as well as your vacations and holidays. They can also use this technique to isolate you from your friends and family, and it can also work to make you financially dependent on them. They also believe that everything you do should be related to pleasing them. Additionally, they don’t want something other than them to have any control over your life. To them, their influence over you is the most important thing, and they are, therefore, pathologically envious. Moreover, if you achieve success and happiness that is unrelated to them, they are jealous since they can’t find that inner joy.
These are the most basic manipulations of the narcissist. If you notice any of this in your partner, you should think about it. More about narcissism and toxic relationships in my book «My toxic husband» and «What Narcissists Don’t Want You To Know». I also offer psychotherapy sessions and consultations, where I help to get out of toxic relationships, build healthy relationships, and generally understand yourself.
